i'm back!

Oh dear, where to begin? Ten days and a million bug bites later, I come back to another mess in the living room (a suitcase I simply refuse to unpack since move-in is in a few days) yet a distinctly clearer mind and outlook. Yesterday was spent fielding questions, particularly those regarding me and Dan and a certain photo album on facebook (or dare I say, a certain photo?).

But this is not a press release, and I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint those dear readers who have been checking back for all the juicy details. My silence, perhaps, is more an affirmation of this "tropical debauchery" that people have been speculating *wink wink. Of course, a longer post is to come: what I did, who I saw, every tiny little detail I'm afraid of forgetting, all the observations I hope to somehow incorporate into my poetry, the private jokes, the lovely moments that I can't help but share...it'll all be here. As much as I am a visual person, I find that the reason I don't take that many pictures (both on vacation and in general) is because I recall things more strongly if I write it down. Then, when I read it years later, I don't see those memories the way they appear in photographs (that awkward smile, the tourism, etc) but how I had intended myself to remember them--which is less an exercise in making things beautiful or fonder, but to preserve my mind and the way I loved the things that I loved, exactly the moment it all happened.

Little things remind me of him now, and those moments which would have naturally been fleeting replay themselves against the familiar weight that settles in at the beginning of anything significant and beautiful. It's much like the end of Neruda's poem: "and as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine"--which is to say, to need while being complete, to give without losing a part of ourselves. I spent part of the day packing away old trinkets, moving around pictures on my computer to less noticeable locations. This is not to say that I'm pulling an Eternal Sunshine, but I'm a strong believer that our past doesn't usually follow us by itself, and that we're usually the ones dragging it behind us or leaning against it out of fear of letting go and of "irreplaceableness." There's so much ahead of me right now that there's simply no space, not even an inch, that can accommodate what I once adored. So I'm letting it go. If I'm lucky--if I have the strength to keep up this optimism and faith in the future--better things will fly in and settle in those cleared out spaces, fit the way they're supposed to fit, and open up room for more. What is "meant to be" might not happen now, or months from now, or anywhere in the near future, but the truth stays the same: you'll never know unless you take those necessary steps and give it an honest try.

On a different note, my mother says I look like Victoria Beckham now, with the weight loss and all, and "it is not a good thing. I don't like that woman." Unfortunately, if I gain even a single pound, I won't be able to wear the jeans I bought, so no go lol. I can't even afford to buy new ones, especially after I saw the watch Dan's cousin Anita had on and had to have it. It's been two weeks, and he's already horrified by my shopping habits, I'm sure. Also, I'm really excited to go back to campus, even though I've done embarrassingly little in terms of thesis research. While assembling my portfolio today, I've decided that all my poetry is crap and I'll have to start from scratch. But since I've decided to quit my reclusive ways, the only option is to work harder to make time for some serious partying, so get ready for a busy busy year =)